Why Jeremy Clarkson is going no where

Ever heard of the phrase “too big to fail”? Well it’s apt to use when it comes to Jeremy Clarkson and consequences to his actions. He, and by definition Top Gear, is too big to fail for the BBC. It is the holy grail of television shows and the golden calf of all cash cows.

Here’s some things you may not be aware of.

Top Gear has no budget, by that I don’t mean they scrape together favours to make it one the skin of their teeth…I mean their budget is limitless…they have no budget and it shows when they want to test a car and the company won’t comply and lend them one, they buy one.

Evidence of this excess in spending has been seen in NZ when the Top Gear team were on an island in the Hauraki Gulf and Jeremy Clarkson wasn’t able to purchase the correct brand of cigarettes, so a helicopter was sent back to the CBD to pick some up for him. As I said…they have no budget.

On top of that, the series is shown on over 200 territories, and each episode gets watched 50 times, that’s right each episode is watched once, then repeated on average 49 more times in those territories. Shall we do the maths? One episode, times 212 terrotories, times 50 viewings is 10,600 viewings. And there has been 166 episodes in total. That’s a mind blowing 1.76 million episodes that have been, or will be viewed thus far.

It’s been revealed today that “Jeremy Clarkson is on his last warning“. It was always going to be a slap on the wrist, he was never going anywhere. Jeremy Clarkson and the whole Top Gear team is likely one of main funders of dozens of other BBC programmes purely due to the amount of money that they bring in.

Money talks in this days and age and you need to understand that the hugely successful model that has built up around Top Gear means their hosts are almost untouchable and for the BBC they are too big to fail.

Interesting what ‘we might like’

It’s always interesting when websites have permanent titles for sections without thinking about the story might follow.

Example, “You might like Justin Bieber bottled on stage”

You may like

Actually that’s something I kind of would like…

Sadly thought TVNZ has considered Justin Bieber being ‘bottled’ as being hit on the hip by an empty plastic container…as opposed to ‘glassed’ as one would maybe have expected…more of a new age, 21st century ‘bottling’ as opposed to what Billy Connolly might describe about life in Glasgow in the 1970s.

If you do want to see Justin Bieber being ‘bottled’ you can go here

And just in case, in this current highly intense time around violence, someone has missed it…this is said with the utmost sarcasm and in no way do we want to see the sweet Mr. Bieber hurt or injured whilst performing to thousands of teenage girls.

No Beliebers were harmed in the writing of this post.

Thanks for the precedence Kim Dotcom

I think there is a lot to thank Kim Dotcom for.

Personally I’d like to thank him for making me feel small (and there ‘aint that many people who can do that) but there is also much the country can thank him for and the most obvious is showing up the flaws in the GCSB and how our spies operate, although I think we shouldn’t thank anyone for where it’s gone from there into new legislation.

I would also like to thank Kim Dotcom for one more thing, I want to thank him for being the unwilling catalyst for the legal precedence that we will all be able to use and abuse for years to come to get out of many infringements that we made by mistake.

TVNZ reported last night that no charges would be laid against anyone at the GCSB and Detective Superintendent Peter Read told media “that in spite of the GCSB committing one breach under the provisions of the Crimes Act, no criminal “intent” by the GCSB could be established.

The official statement by DS Peter Read was

“While GCSB staff did commit the act prohibited by section 216B of the Crimes Act 1961, they did not have the necessary intent to satisfy the elements of the offence and be considered criminally liable,”

In other words because it was a mistake, and there was no intent, no one would be liable.

So, next time you don’t intend to speed…it just accidentally creeps up, or genuinely forget to file your GST, or you infringe on a law genuinely by mistake or misunderstanding there is a legal precedence for you to say “well officer, much like the GCSB, I had no intention of committing that crime, it was an accident” and they surely must be obliged to let you off…he says sarcastically

Hilter run down as a young child?

German students make a fake advert where a Mercedes runs over a young Hitler.

Mercedes are not very happy with the advert, and I wonder if it’s just that they are protecting a past customer


Eric Hartsburg to get tattoo of Romney/Ryan logo removed

You’ve probably seen this story, the man in Michigan who received $15,000 to get a Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He had said in numerous interviews that he would be keeping it for life but it appears he has gotten cold feet and wants the monstrosity removed.

Why you would ever do this is beyond me, but this morning I had the chance to catch up with Eric to get his reasons, his story and his political insights

Has the NZ Herald ripped off The Daily Show?

I see one of the cartoons in this morning’s NZ Herald has raised a few chuckles

John Key breast feeds John Banks…shudder!!!

Quite funny ah? A piss take of the now infamous Time Magazine cover article of a mother breast feeding a nearly 4 year old child.

But I thought that I had seen it before…two conservative politicians in a take-off of that time magazine cover, then it came to me.

Exactly one week ago on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

John Boehner nursing Harry Reid.

Has the herald ripped off The Daily Show…you decide.

See the full The Daily Show segment here

Sensitive Comedians…now there’s an irony

Ok so let’s start this off by saying I am not that proud of this episode, and I was being a bit of a dick to the comedian Bill Dawes who is currently in the country for the Comedy Festival, but I have had an interaction so incredibly weird that I just wanted to share it with you all.

So I saw Bill Dawes last night hosting the RAW Comedy Quest, where amateur comedians have a crack at this imposing genre of comedy. The group of new comedians were really enjoyable, some a little gun shy, some a little possum-in-the-headlights…but overall good and I have nothing but admiration for their efforts. Bill Dawes, the professional amongst the group, was okay too…not amazing, but okay, and I spent the first few minutes trying to figure out who he reminded me of…then it dawned on me…Daniel Tosh. I swear that the intination, style of joke, way he interacted with the audience was very ‘Tosh-esque

Anyways, so this is the moment when I acknowledge I was a little dick-ish but I got home and tweeted these out.

Followed by this one

To which I received this series of tweets back from the man himself

I’ve been in the ‘media game‘ for 15 years give or take, and this kind of bravado has never really bothered me, in fact I can genuinely say that now one has ever offended me with personal attacks, I’ve had it all right up to and including death threats, however I am surprised some jibing of such a minor style bothered Bill Dawes.

Anyways I followed his ‘challenge’ with this one.

And then thought I’d better let the poor lad get back to his bottle of whatever he had crawled into ;o)

And then sadly found that the Comedian who is touted as one of the rawest, rudest, filthiest around had then blocked me from his twitter account. Maybe I touched a nerve.

Luckily in Echophone you can still connect with people when they block you and I found after he blocked me he sent out this tweet

I was confused as to whom he was talking about…but apparently it was me! I was the troll!

In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion. The noun troll may refer to the provocative message itself, as in: “That was an excellent troll you posted.”

Weird…I am the troll ;o)

Still wasn’t really sure why the comedian couldn’t take a jibe or two but after a quick Google I think I know now why..

From 2008 to Bill Dawes “Daniel Tosh called, he wants his punchlines back.”

From 2011 to Bill Dawes “Bill Dawes is too old for this at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, CA. On another note, this guy’s style kind of reminds me of Daniel Tosh.”

And they go on.

I actually really, really like Daniel Tosh and his comedy…so right back at the start my jibe could have been taken as more of a compliment…but I concur in a dick-ish way.

So officially I guess I’d like to say sorry for touching your ‘Tosh-nerve‘ Bill, I always understood many comedians to be insecure behind all their bravado and I guess this has confirmed that for me…well in your case at least and I will now do my penance for teasing you so badly. I’ll just head off to my office and write 100 times “I must not tease the comedians”

Bradley Ambrose denied to right to stop his name being smeared

Yesterday we found out that the Police were not going to press charges against freelance cameraman Bradley Ambrose.

Forget the accusations about Police holding onto the decision until John Key was away, forget the forced “letter of regret” as opposed to a “letter of apology”, forget the accusation of bullying as the Crown seeks court costs but let’s just have a look at one part of this where I am feeling very uncomfortable.

From OneNews

But today police revealed they will not lay charges against Ambrose, despite finding the recording to be unlawful.

Police said they agreed the conversation was private and said the recording was at best “reckless”, but more likely deliberate.

In this small release, we find out that the Police have deemed the action unlawful, deliberate and the conversation private…the problem is that this is not the Police’s job.

They have ‘passed sentence’ on Bradley Ambrose, and he has no right of recourse in court, unless he then chooses to take a libel action himself…which seems unlikely.

This morning David Slack quoted Graham Edgeley by saying that if there is any public statement about guilt prior to a conviction is a violation of the presumption of innocence.

In this case the Police have said Ambrose is guilty and wrong…when it’s not their job to do so.

Sacha Baron Cohen offending Kazakhstan all these years later…without even trying

When the Borat movie came out the people of Kazakhstan were outraged, the government started doing press around the world to show Kazakhstan was nothing like the parody that Cohen put forward as a comedic character. All this proved is that Cohen is brilliant and played the world perfectly for millions of dollars of free advertising. But even Sacha Baron Cohen could not have predicted the latest upheaval to come out of his 2006 mockumentary.

At a shooting event in Kuwait, upon make winning the gold medal for her glorious country, Kazakh shooter Maria Dmitrienko had to stand on the podium and listen to Borat’s version of the anthem.

The spoof anthem praises Kazakhstan for its superior potassium exports and for having the cleanest prostitutes in the region.

I am sorry for the most make glorious Maria’s moment for beloved nation, but it is pretty funny and to her credit she seemed to take the error pretty well, she smiled and walked off at the end of the ceremony…which upon the complaint of the team was later rerun.

The BBC reports

The team’s coach told Kazakh media the organisers of the Kuwait tournament had downloaded the parody from the internet by mistake and had also got the Serbian national anthem wrong

However it’s not just ‘foreign dogs’ that are the enemy of the most glorious Kazakh National Anthem…sometimes they are their own worst enemy. From the Mirror speaking of the latest mistake.

It comes just weeks after embarrassed Kazakhstan officials made an anthem gaffe of their own.

As the announcer at a ski race declared: “Eyes on the flag of the Republic of Kazakhstan, the anthem of the Republic of Kazakhstan is beginning,” proud dignitaries put their hands on their hearts.

However, instead of the earnest anthem to ‘make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan’, Ricky Martin’s rather more breezy 1999 No1 Livin’ la Vida Loca blared out of the speakers.

Giggling officials in Kostanay were left standing for a few awkward moments, possibly expecting Borat to leap out at them in his mankini, before the worker in charge of the loudspeaker hurriedly switched to Menin Kazakhstan.

Maybe that’s why Sacha Baron Cohen had such an easy time convincing the world he was from this Ricky Martin loving country.

What hot air (or at least compressed air) can really be used for in parliament

Perfect timing at the end of the piece when protester gets in one more blast…gotta love it